1: Creating Belief Systems That Work for You

Welcome to the Women's Success Coach Podcast. A podcast created to inspire growth and to help you learn, achieve, and evolve in your life ongoing regardless of your age. I'm your host, certified coach, and licensed therapist Karen Vincent, and I'm here to guide you and provide you with concrete tips and strategies you can implement in your life. I'm also here to inspire you, challenge you, and cheer you on so that you can create the life of your dreams and beyond. Well, hello. In today's podcast, I'm talking about belief systems. I explain how they're formed, how they impact you, how to challenge and change your limiting beliefs, and how you can create belief systems that support you in achieving all that you want in your life. Let's start by talking about what a belief is. A belief is an acceptance that something is true or that something exists. It is trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something. It's how we make sense of the world. But what we have to remember is that a belief is not the capital"T" truth that we often think it. We all have beliefs, some of which we are aware of, and some which run quietly in the background of our minds. The problem with the unconscious beliefs we hold that run quietly in the background of our minds is that despite their being very quiet, they do influence how we feel. They influence the actions we take, and therefore they influence the results we get in our. Before I go further, I want to talk about where your beliefs come from. Your beliefs are the result of some of the following, messages you've received from others over the course of your lifetime. And these could be people you know, these could be messages you received from the news, television, movies, or social media. They could also be experiences that you've had, both good or bad, things you've observed or witnessed, assumptions you make, and messages you tell yourself. These messages, experiences, situations you witnessed, assumptions you made and or messages you tell yourself can be empowering or they can cause you to feel bad and limit what you think is possible for yourself and for your life overall. Now I'm gonna share many examples of things from your past or things currently present in your life that could have impacted your belief system. My goal in doing this is to help you consider what may have impacted your current belief system, which is an important step in being able to identify, evaluate, and determine if you want to hold onto your present belief system. So perhaps while growing up you heard messages from people saying things like, school just isn't her thing, or you can achieve anything if you put your mind to it. You are so important to me. We are just too big bones in our family, that's who we are. Good mothers devote all their attention to their children. Women have the same opportunities as men. Luck just never comes your way. Relationships never last, or maybe you heard you were just worthy of everything you want in your life. So those may be messages that you heard from people repeated over time they can become ingrained and you no longer second guess them. You no longer question them. Um, also, maybe you had life experiences where you applied for a promotion and got it, or where you were let go from a job or you applied for 10 jobs and didn't get any of them. Perhaps you had someone cheat on you or you had friends who are there for you no matter what. Maybe you grew up in a family that was struggling financially, or maybe at some point you tried something new or challenging and it went really well. Or on the flip side, maybe you took a chance and tried something new and challenging and it went horribly wrong. You may have experienced or witnessed the abuse or bullying of others. Perhaps when in school a teacher took you under their wing and made sure you had the right amount of support so that you could be successful. Maybe you saw women in movies portrayed as sex objects or subservient to men, or maybe you experienced losing a loved one unexpectedly. So again, I want you to consider what experiences in your past have helped shape the beliefs you hold today, whether you feel like those beliefs work for you or maybe they're working against you. Also, as I mentioned, the messages you tell yourself repeatedly get stored and start to become no longer questioned. They become just who you think you are. So maybe over the course of years you've been telling yourself things like, I can do. I'm proud of myself, or maybe you said things like, things never work out for me. Everyone always turns on me, or maybe I'm worthy of everything I want. It's not selfish to take care of myself, or maybe I always mess things up. I can't keep a relationship. I will never get my dream job. Life is hard. I guess this is as good as it. Or maybe you tell yourself, I appreciate my life. So again, I want you to think about what messages run kind of in the background of your mind, from you to you about you. And as I mentioned, all of these were examples to get you to think about what has been present in your life up to this point, so that you can start to explore how things may be impacting you in either positive or negative ways. Now, let's go back to the idea that your beliefs are perceived, not capital T truth. This is why two people can see the same situation in two different ways. And the pandemic was a great example of this. The same pandemic happened for many people, however people's perceptions of it were vastly different, which resulted in people having vastly different emotions about what was happening in the world. Let's think about when people lost their jobs. Some people panicked and worried if they would be able to find work again. While others felt the biggest sense of relief they'd experienced in a long time because they could finally pursue a job they actually enjoyed. For some people, they were overwhelmed with their kids being home, and by not being able to go out and do things they wanted to do. For others, they felt blessed that they were able to have family dinners again and reconnect with their kids. It was the same pandemic, it was the same lockdown, the same uncertainty about what was happening in the world, however the experience of these individuals was vastly different and what they believed about the pandemic happening was vastly different. Something that is important to note when we are talking about beliefs is the idea that we are all wired for negativity bias. Yep. Unfortunately, we're all wired for negativity bias, and this means that we have a tendency to see more of and focus more on negative things than positive or even neutral things happening in our lives. And this is because we all have the primitive side, or the emotional side of our brain, which is the same brain our ancestors had way, way back when they were living in caves and in physical danger much of the time. This primitive side of your brain has one job, and that job is to keep you safe. And this was great for our ancestors because their brain was constantly scanning for danger, a k a, looking for the negative things, and then warning them to fight, to run, to hide, just to save themselves, basically, right, to stay alive. However, when we fast forward to today, we've developed a logical side of our brain, but that primitive side of the brain continues to be very active. And again, its only purpose is to keep us safe. The difference is that because you are likely not in physical danger, and I certainly hope you're not, your brain is keeping you safe from other negative things happening that could cause you to think things that result in uncomfortable feelings. So the natural thing for that primitive side of your brain to do is to scan for the hard things, the challenging things, the things that you're most fearful of, and the things that will bring you discomfort. Just like warning your ancestors living in caves that a tiger was coming, it will scan, find things that resemble anything that could cause you discomfort and has you focus on those things with a goal that if you focus on them, you can quote unquote, save yourself from them, however, doesn't really work today. So without awareness and intention, your brain is going to offer up much more information about negative things happening or that could potentially happen sometimes, even if there's like a.001% chance that they will actually happen. And it will do that while not focusing on positive things happening. And this will certainly have an impact on your beliefs. The other thing that I just want to quickly note about this is that these negative thoughts and experiences can feel stronger and like they are more likely to occur than positive emotions. And when this happens, they're also more likely to be stored into your long-term memory. And this happens for a couple of reasons. One is when we're focusing on negative things, they tend to carry more emotion and anything that carries more emotion kind of sends that alert signal and it's something that you want to hold onto and remember so you can be prepared for it, so you can watch for it, so you can be aware of it. And so it's more likely to be stored into your long-term memory. Another reason is that these negative thoughts, these things that we're kind of absorbing and I digesting, they often go unnoticed, unchecked, and unquestioned. So they just keep running. And whatever's on repeat most in your brain also gets logged into your longer term memory. And what happens with this is we all have a part of our brain called the reticular activating system, or the RAS, and this is like the lens of your brain that filters in and filters out information. And so when you are thinking more about negative things, seeing more negative things, attaching strong emotion to negative things, your lens on that reticular activating system hones in on more negative things. An example of how this works, so let's say you believe that relationships never last and you start to become more and more afraid of a romantic relationship you are in, um, falling apart or ending. And so that primitive part of your brain will note that this is something it needs to protect you from, which will then have it scanning for evidence that relationships don't last. Remember, it thinks that if it shows you all of this evidence that you can somehow protect yourself from your relationship ending that you can. So it's going to make sure that you see instances of things like celebrity breakups. It will be sure you see any posts on social media about bad relationships and relationship breakups. It will highlight for you any small things that could indicate that your partner is going to leave you such as maybe they're late getting home one day, and it will have you first consider that they are out with someone else versus maybe they're staying late to salvage a project at work. And the more you see and think about things like this, the more your brain will highlight for you. So it becomes a loop that is, in this case, unhelpful. The idea that relationships don't last will be reinforced by any real evidence, but also by perceived evidence. And if this was an actual belief system you had, and because you only have so much capacity in your brain to notice and remember things, your brain will continue to highlight things that are in alignment with this belief, and that includes, even if they're loosely aligned, and it will dismiss anything that indicates that many relationships last, that relationships can be amazing, and that your partner is 100% committed to you. And as I mentioned, your beliefs can be empowering or they can be disempowering. If instead you had a belief that you are worthy of a strong, committed, and loving relationship and that there are many relationships that last 50, 60, even 70 years, your reticular activating system would no longer try to protect you from fear about your relationship because that fear wouldn't even exist, and instead it would make sure that you noticed all the things your partner does for you that indicate their commitment to. It would have you seeing elderly couples celebrating many years together. It would have you see more couples falling in love and planning their lives together. And the reality is that what's happening in the world isn't changing. There are couples in amazing relationships and there are couples in awful relationships, but it's what you believe about relationships that impacts what you actually see, therefore, what you think and how you feel. And this applies to everything in your life, your beliefs about what kind of job you have, what kind of friendships you have, how much money you can make, the kind of home you can live in, the level of health you can have, your ability to get a promotion. I mean, it applies to everything. So I want you to think about the phrase, I'll believe it when I see it, versus, I'll see it when I believe it. When you believe something, you'll start to see more and more evidence of it. And I'm sure you've had this happen in your life. You buy a new shirt that you're really excited about and suddenly it feels like everyone is rocking a similar top. Or imagine you go to buy a new car and you know you want an SUV. So you're looking around the lot and you see black cars and you see red cars, and you see white cars and you're trying to decide. And then across the lot you see a blue SUV and you immediately fall in love with how unique it is and you know you have to have it. You know that you'll stand out and that you're happy to be getting something different than all the other cars you see on the road. The black cars, the red cars, the white cars. So you are all in on this. You finalize your deal and you plan to come back in a couple days to pick up your new car once it's registered. And guess what, my friend will happen next? You will get on the road and almost immediately you'll see that same color blue, SUV, all over the place. You'll see cars that same color all over the place, and when this happens, it's not that they magically appear. What happens is that because you're so excited about your new car, your reticular activating system gets fired up too, and it makes sure that it highlights anything that looks like that blue car for you. The lens turns and instead of just driving down the road thinking about whatever mindlessly listening to the radio, your brain is scanning for that blue car. So whether we like it or not, this is how the brain works, and because of this, it's important for you to consider what you're focused on, what your brain thinks it needs to highlight for you, and what it thinks it needs to protect you from. It's also important for you to get clear about the stories you're telling yourself about your health, your finances, your relationships, your career, your capabilities, and your worthiness. Are these stories empowering or are they disempowering? When you tell yourself the disempowering stories, you create limiting beliefs, and a limiting belief is a thought that you believe to be the absolute capital"T" truth and stops you from doing certain things. It impacts how you feel about yourself, impacts how you feel about others and the world, and it ultimately impacts the results that you get in your life. We often think that situations happening around us and to us create our feelings and actions. However, situations trigger thoughts, and it is these thoughts that create emotions and feelings, and emotions and feelings impact the actions you take, and then your actions impact the results you get in your life. This is why it's so important to notice the things that are running in your mind. So if you can challenge them, you can change them. If needed. As humans, we all experience limiting beliefs to some extent or another. It's when they go unchecked and unchallenged over time that they can become problematic. That's when they start to have a negative impact in your life without you even really realizing what's happening. And some examples of limiting beliefs could be, um, I'm not good enough. I'm too old. I'm too young. I will never have enough money. I'm not smart enough. I don't have enough time. I'm not worthy. I'm not good with money. That's just the way it is. People are always trying to get one over on me. It's too good to be true. Or maybe you say, I'm just not the kind of person who, and then you can fill in the blank. Or maybe you say, I will never have, fill in the blank. So as I mentioned, the problem with saying things like this is that your brain will look for more of what it thinks you want it to look for. What you tell yourself most often and with the most emotion is what your brain will think is important, and then it will go to work for you whether it's helpful or not. I'm going to give you a couple additional examples just to make sure you understand the power of your belief. The first is a situation, um, where there was an individual who was struggling in school. His grades were poor. He wasn't maybe going to class as much as he should have, not feeling good about school, maybe getting in a little trouble, and his mother was really worried about his future. So he agreed to take the SATs even though he knew he was struggling in school, just as everyone else did. So he took the SATs and he got his scores back. He got a score of 1480 out of 1600. I'm going to repeat that. 1480 out of 1600. That's a pretty amazing score. So his mother was initially upset and thought he cheated or something happened, and he assured her he didn't. He was just as surprised as she was, and he started to feel proud of how well he did and he started to show up for class a little bit more and he started to apply himself a little bit more and teachers started to give him a little extra support and started to cheer for him because they saw how well he was starting to do and he ended up graduating. He attended community college, then he transitioned to a four year college and then an Ivy League school. He then went on to become one of the most successful magazine entrepreneurs in the world. Years later, he got a letter from the SAT board who does periodic reviews, um, of test scores, and they realized that he was one of a handful of people who received the wrong. His actual score was 740, not 1480. Let me say that again. His actual score was 740, which is a quite a low score, but because he believed he scored 1480, what he believed about himself, his potential and the success he could have changed. This is such a great example of how belief works because this individual's change in his beliefs, changed everything in his future. One other example about how powerful beliefs are is you may have heard the story of Roger Banister and Roger Banister was the first person to run a four minute mile. Prior to that, runners and everyone else had a collective belief that it was humanly impossible to run a mile and four minutes. However, on May 6th, 1954, Roger Banister ran a mile in three minutes. 59 and four tenths of the second. Nobody else had ever done this, despite strong athletes and amazing coaches all working for decades to have this happen. Now here's the interesting point. 46 days following Roger Banister running a mile in under four minutes. Another runner did the same. It had never been done before. Then, a year later, three other runners did the same, and since then, thousands of runners have all done the same. Roger Banister showed everyone that what was assumed to be impossible was possible. He broke through the widely held belief that humans were incapable of running a mile and under four minutes. Both of these stories really highlight how powerful our beliefs are. In both instances, one individual started to believe something was possible and then they achieved things in their life that they thought was never possible for them. So when you think of doing something you've always dreamed of but have not done, so, what holds you back? What are the negative messages you are telling yourself? What are you afraid of? I want you to really think about this, and I want you to be really honest with yourself. When you answer these questions. What holds you back? What are the negative messages you're telling yourself? What are you afraid of? I'm going to give you some specific action steps to help you in creating beliefs that empower you. But first I want to highlight that when you are creating new beliefs that empower you, you have to believe them. It's not toxic positivity. It's not living in la la land that is so far from reality. So for example, if you have never run a mile in your life, creating a belief where you tell yourself you're an ultramarathon runner might not work. If you've never earned more than$30,000 a year telling yourself that you'll earn a million dollars next year, might not. If you want to start a business, but you have no idea what that would look like, telling yourself that you'll be a baller, CEO of a thriving empire might not work. Now, are those thoughts possible If you ask me, I say 100% yes. Can someone who's never run become an ultra-marathon runner? Of course, every single ultra-marathon runner had to start learning to run one mile at a time. Can someone who never earned$30,000 a year earn a million dollars at some point? Of course they can. Everyone who makes millions of dollars had to start somewhere. Can someone who wants to start a business do so? Of course they can. I believe all these things are possible, but they can also feel overwhelming and and impossible when you first look at them. and what will happen if you create a belief that you actually don't believe is that you will start to talk yourself out of what you are trying to achieve. And you may actually end up creating more limiting beliefs than empowering beliefs. But don't worry, don't worry. I have a solution for that. If you can't truly believe what it is that you want to believe, start with what's called ladder thoughts. And ladder thoughts allow you to change your thinking in increments that you believe, rather than feeling like you're lying to yourself and, and trying to create a belief that feels completely impossible. If you, if your brain thinks you're lying to it, it will catch you. But when you use ladder thoughts, and I'll give you some specific examples, you start to move toward the new belief you are wanting to create without it feeling so overwhelming. Let's go back to the example of starting a business and your current thought is, I want to be the CEO of a thriving empire, but I don't know how to do it. If you were to create a thought that's like one rung up on the ladder, it may be, I wanna be the CEO of a thriving empire, but I don't know how to do it, yet. Then maybe you say, I want to be the CEO of a thriving Empire, but I don't know how to do it yet, however, there were lots of other things I didn't used to know how to do that I figured out. Maybe you then say, I wanna be the CEO of a thriving Empire, and I'm willing to experiment to figure out how to do it. Maybe you say, I want to be the CEO of a thriving empire, and I will keep taking the next best step until I figure it out. There's no perfect way or right way or wrong way to do this. It's kind of like going to the dressing room and trying on different thoughts until you find one that fits The goal is that you find a thought that you believe that feels more empowering than that initial limiting belief. So I'm going give you one more example to kind of help you see how this, these ladder thoughts work. Now, let's say you said losing weight is too hard. If that's your thought, are you really going to take any serious action that'll help you lose weight? Probably not, right? So then try on a new thought. How about I keep thinking losing weight is too hard. The difference with that thought is subtle, but with this thought, you are not saying, quote unquote, losing weight is hard as a 100% truth. You're acknowledging that its your thinking, that losing weight is hard that's the problem. The goal is then to sit with this thought, this new thought, and when you're ready, it could be one day, one week, one month, you go to the next rung on the ladder. So you went from losing weight is too hard to, I keep thinking, losing weight is too hard. So now you might be onto a next thought. Maybe something like losing weight has not been easy, yet. So with this thought, you're identifying hope that it can be easier than it has been. Let's go to the next rung up. It is possible for anyone to lose weight. Now, could you believe this thought? If yes, let's go to the next rung on the ladder. I lost one pound, so one more pound is possible. If that feels doable, you keep working on it and as you keep working on it, you get to the point where you have a thought that becomes a belief, and that belief ultimately becomes, I can lose weight. But it would've been really hard to go from losing weight is hard to, I can lose weight. Your brain would've called you a liar, and it would've held you back. However, as you work your way up the ladder, you create the next best thought that gets you to the next better belief that will support you with what it is that you're trying to achieve. Now, don't be surprised if your old set point, your old belief, tries to bring you back down to what has been most familiar over time, but it's less likely to do so when you make sure you believe the new thoughts that will move to become beliefs that you hold to be true. And when you do this, you'll literally rewire your brain. And the key with all of this is consistency and repetition. So that was a lot of information about beliefs, and now I want you to take all this information and put it into action. I'm going to ask you a series of questions and don't worry, all the questions are in the show notes, so if you don't have a pen and paper available, don't worry about writing them down. And I want you to go through these questions and really think about them. And I want you to be really honest with yourself when you answer them. So I'll read through them again, they're in the show notes. Please go reference them. Take your time, go through this activity. First question, when you think of doing something you've been wanting to do but have not done so yet, what holds you back? What are the negative messages you are telling yourself about why you can't do it, why you need to wait, and why it's not possible for you? What are you afraid of? And then I want you to ask yourself, why do you believe those things? So remember, where do these beliefs come from? Then I want you to challenge them. Are they 100% true or do you think they're 100% true because you've been thinking them for so long, you haven't even questioned them, or because other people continue to reinforce them. Now, when you think of doing something you've been wanting to do, what do you want to be thinking? What do you want to believe is possible? And when you come up with that thought, or maybe it's a couple phrases, can you currently believe them? If you can? Go with them. Put them on sticky notes. Write them on your mirror. Put them as alarms in your phone so that you remember them and that you put them on repeat in your mind. If you can't truly believe what it is that you want to believe, use ladder thoughts. Look at the current thought or belief, and come up with a better thought that you can believe that would move you closer to the belief you ultimately want to have. So what's the belief you ultimately want to have? What's the current belief and what's one rung up on the ladder from the current belief that moves you in the direction of the ultimate belief? And if this is new to you and it seems overwhelming, look at the show notes. You'll have the questions outlined for you, and I want you to take your time with us. You can always take a break and come back to it with fresh eyes. As I mentioned, consistency is what makes the difference? So once you come up with a better belief, repeat it often and allow yourself to feel the feelings that come up for you when you think it. So that's what I have to say about beliefs. I encourage you to go through this action step process that I provided for you. One more quick thing, if you like reading and want some more tips and strategies that will help you with things like managing your mindsets, stress, anxiety, and worry setting and achieving goals, managing limiting beliefs, creating healthy success habit, challenging yourself beyond what you thought is currently possible and lots of other topics related to creating a life of success, ongoing growth and fulfillment, go to www.karenvincentsolutions.com/blog and check out my blog. Again, www.karenvincentsolutions.com/blog. That's a wrap. You should be proud of yourself for investing time in you, which is so critical for success and for overall life fulfillment. I look forward to having you join me for my next episode. And in the meantime, go click that subscribe button so you'll know when it's released, and you can also follow me on Instagram at Best Boss Lady Life that's at Best Boss Lady Life on Instagram. Also, remember that whatever it is that you're working on, you've got this and I'm here cheering you on.