21: Your Brain Will Pull You Back To What Is Familiar

Welcome to the Women's Success Coach Podcast. A podcast created to inspire growth and to help you learn, achieve, and evolve in your life ongoing regardless of your age. I'm your host, certified coach, and licensed therapist Karen Vincent, and I'm here to guide you and provide you with concrete tips and strategies you can implement in your life. I'm also here to inspire you, challenge you, and cheer you on so that you can create the life of your dreams and beyond. I'm so glad you're tuning into the Women's Success Coach Podcast. In today's episode, I'm going to break down why your brain holds you back and tries to keep you in your comfort zone, even if you say you want to be doing something different. If you've been following my podcast or you've been part of my community for a while, you've likely heard me say that your brain can work for you or it can work against you. You've likely heard me say that your brain can be your biggest asset or it can be your worst enemy. To keep it from becoming an enemy, it's important to really understand how it works and why. And when you have an understanding of what's happening, you can implement strategies that keep you in control. So whether you keep telling yourself, you'll start something someday, but never do, whether you keep starting and stopping something or whether you start something and feel like you're failing, so you give up. I've got you in this episode. First, I'll break down what's happening and why, and then I'll give you specific strategies you can use to overcome those instances when your brain is trying to hold you back. So let's jump on in. Well, hello there. I hope you're well, and I'm glad you're tuning in for this episode, which will help you better understand how your brain works so that you can make it work for you. If you've ever tried to do something new and found yourself putting it off, talking yourself out of it, or making excuses for why now is not the right time, you are not alone. Whether we like it or not, for most of us, this is part of being a human being with a human brain. While the logical side of your brain may be telling you that your goal is great and it will give you more of what you want in your life, the emotional side of your brain will tell you that it's a lot of work to make any kind of change in your life. While the logical side of your brain may be telling you why what you want to do is important and will be impactful, the emotional side of your brain will offer you doubt about your ability to be successful. While the logical side of your brain may be telling you to push yourself and that it will be okay, the emotional side of your brain is telling you to conserve energy and stick with what you're currently doing. This is the push pull that happens for all of us and the mental gymnastics we all go through when trying to do something new. Without intention, that emotional side of the brain will get loud and it will try to take over. So then let's ask, why does this happen when it seems so unhelpful? Well, the thing is, it's unhelpful today, but many, many years ago, it was incredibly helpful. It was helpful because your ancestors were living in caves and at risk of physical danger much of the time. There were wild animals coming to attack. There was often a question of where they'll get their next meal. And there was worry about surviving harsh weather conditions. Back then, the logical side of the brain had not developed, so it was only the emotional side of the brain overseeing and managing everything. And based on animals attacking, a lack of food at times, and harsh weather at time, its only job was to keep your ancestors alive. And it did this by telling them to conserve energy that they would need to fight, to hunt, or to tolerate harsh conditions. It also told them to stick with what they knew since there was so much unknown outside the caves. And finally when there was danger, it gave them the option of fighting back, running away, or hiding from it. And that's pretty good advice if you ask me based on those circumstances, but not such good advice in our modern world where most of us are not in physical danger, where most of us have appropriate shelter to tolerate harsh weather, and where we don't have to go out and hunt and gather food. Despite the significant change in our lifestyle, that emotional side of the brain continues to want to protect us and keep us safe. And if you think about it, one thing that you may fear most in your life currently today is uncomfortable feelings. Feelings of sadness, worry, loss, fear, uncertainty, embarrassment, shame, disappointment, or failure. If you really think about it, anytime you do something new or different, you're taking a bit of a risk, which could result in feelings of worry, uncertainty, embarrassment, disappointment, or failure. So in these situations, what does your brain do? It tells you to sit tight. It tells you to stick with what you're already doing, and it tells you to avoid potential discomfort. It's not caught up to the fact that you can expend energy without risking your life in most instances. And because of this, when it thinks that you'll have to use more energy to do something new, it will once again tell you to sit tight so that you can conserve that energy. That's why even if you tell yourself you want to go for a walk after work, you find yourself sitting on the couch scrolling through social media or watching Netflix. It takes less energy to do those things. That's why when you tell yourself you're going to put in extra hours at work to get your project done before the weekend, you find yourself on Sunday night worrying about that project still not being done. That is why you may stay in a relationship longer than you know you should, with someone who's not right for you, because your brain tells you that you should stick with what's familiar because you may never find anyone better or even worse, you may never find anyone at all. So before we jump into how to solve this problem, and it is solvable, I want to make sure you really understand that your emotional brain means well, and here's why. When you're doing something new, including engaging in new behaviors, giving up old behaviors, being around new people, or putting yourself in a new environment, it can be uncomfortable and you may feel uncertainty about how it will turn out. And as you know, when things get uncomfortable, your emotional brain wants to put on the brakes and have you sit tight where you are. Fear of failure or other challenging emotions is also a reason your brain will hold you back. It is human nature to not want to fail or make mistakes. And if you think about it, failure and mistakes for your ancestors had pretty grave consequences. So whether you're afraid of failing, being disappointed, or being embarrassed, that emotional side of your brain will try to protect you by having you sit tight and not attempt to make those changes. It will feed into your self-doubt or lack of confidence because it thinks it will protect you. However, it actually makes you feel worse about your ability to make changes in your life. Another reason it'll hold you back is because doing something new requires energy. And remember, your emotional brain wants you to conserve as much energy as is possible. Its goal is to seek the path of least resistance, which usually involves doing what you already know how to do, even when you say you want to do something different. Having already formed habits feeds into this as well. If you have a habit that's pretty ingrained in your day-to-day life, it will take energy and effort to change it. And again, your brain doesn't like this because it wants you to conserve energy, so it will encourage you to stick with the habits, you know, rather than exerting energy to create new habits. So while the emotional side of your brain is well-intended, it is not always useful when you're trying to make changes in your life. It's like a thermometer that wants to hold you in your comfort zone, and it keeps adjusting up and down to try to keep you tied there. I believe that understanding what's happening in your brain is at least half of the battle, if you find yourself in this push pull of wanting to do something, but then not actually doing it. So now that you hopefully understand what the heck is happening up there, I'm going to give you strategies to counter it. Once you learn how to do this with one behavior, you can wash, rinse, and repeat with any additional behaviors moving forward. Strategy number one, call out the discomfort. Get really clear about what's uncomfortable with the change you want to make. Is it that it will require time that feels non-existent? Will it require some physical discomfort, such as muscle fatigue or feelings of deprivation? Will it require you to give up something pleasurable? Are you afraid it won't turn out in the way you hope? Going through this process on getting clear and calling out the discomfort will do two things. First, just by getting clear about what the anticipated discomfort will be, will take some of the power away from that fear And second, being clear about the feared discomfort will allow you to manage it because you can't manage what you don't understand. Strategy number two, see discomfort as growth. I did a whole podcast episode on this, so if you haven't checked it out, you can go listen to episode 17. When you understand what's happening in your brain and you tell yourself that you're choosing discomfort because it means that you're making positive changes in your life, you feel a whole lot different. Instead of feeling uncertain or fearful about something and trying to run from it, you feel empowered about it. Sometimes having affirmations to remind you of things like seeing discomfort as growth can be helpful. And if you think this might be helpful for you, follow me on Instagram or Facebook and check out my stories daily where I give you new affirmations to think about and consider applying to your life. Strategy three, challenge your fearful thoughts. Ask yourself, what is the actual worst thing that could happen and what is the chance that it will actually happen? When your emotional brain wants to put you on high alert to get back into that cave challenge it. Is your brain also having you consider what it would look like if it worked out exactly as planned? Is it having you experience how you would feel if you follow through and do exactly what you set out to do? Of course not. It's going to have you play out all the worst case scenarios, and when this happens, I want you to challenge your thinking and balance it out by also thinking of the best case scenarios, and visualizing things, working out exactly as you hope they will. Strategy Number four, get excited about what you're doing. Whether you have a sticky note that reminds you of why you want to do something, or you put reminders in your calendar, or set reminder alarms on your phone, or maybe you journal each morning about why something's exciting and important. Keeping this top of mind will help you pull through the discomfort and doubt that's going to probably creep in at some point. When you do this, you are managing the emotional side of your brain with the logical side of your brain, so that the emotional side does not get full control of the situation. Strategy number five, start small. Don't give your brain an opportunity to freak out. And as you know by now, that emotional side of your brain will want you to sit tight if it thinks you want to venture into unchartered areas. If you want to put more effort into something, add just 10 minutes a day to start. If you want to change your diet, start by changing one small thing. If you want to save more money, start with saving just a little more. Whether you're looking to add something new into your life or remove something from your life, if you start small, you're more likely to have success in making the change, building as you go, and having it stick for the long run. If you tell yourself you're going to go from zero minutes of exercise most days to 60 minutes a day, your brain will tell you to get back in that cave as quickly as possible. If you tell yourself you're going to go from allowing clutter in your home to build up, to getting organized and spotless in one day, your brain is going to keep pushing that one day off. It's going to feel so uncomfortable and like there's going to be so much energy required, it's going to have you do what? Sit tight, my friend. But if you tell yourself you're going to go for a five minute walk or you're going to clean out one drawer, your brain won't feel so threatened by the unfamiliar and it will not sound the alarm that you'll be spending too much energy and remember, and every little thing counts and it can work for you or against you. So starting with small things isn't a bad thing at all. Strategy number six, get support and or accountability. Sometimes having a cheerleader or someone who will hold you accountable, or both, can be helpful until you build your confidence and the skill of being able to challenge yourself and follow through with what you say you're going to do, even when it feels unfamiliar and uncertain and uncomfortable. As I mentioned, once you learn how to do this effectively, you'll just wash, rinse, and repeat over and over and over. Think about if you have a friend or even an online community that would provide you with support and accountability. Also, you could consider working with a coach like me who can walk you through this step-by-step and get these strategies in place so that you can just keep using them over and over and over. If you want to learn more about coaching with me, you can go to www.karenvincentsolutions.com/coaching. Now, as I do in all my episodes, I want you to implement what I teach you. As Tony Robbins says, knowledge is not power. Applied knowledge is power. So let's apply some of this. Since you listened to this episode, you should now understand what that emotional side of your brain is doing. So let's review how to apply the strategies that will help you fight against it always wanting to keep you safe and always wanting you to save energy#1: Call out the discomfort. Get clear about what is uncomfortable, what you are afraid of, and the energy it will require. Write this down if it feels helpful, and take some of the power away from it.#2: See discomfort as growth. Discomfort means you're making changes and growing, which is a good thing. Remind yourself of this ongoing so that you can see discomfort as a motivator rather than as something holding you back.#3: Challenge your fearful thoughts. Ask yourself, what is the actual worst thing that could happen and how likely is it to happen? Often the thing we're most fearful of is a feeling. However, your thoughts create feelings, so what can you think that creates better feelings? Also, you can visualize the best outcome possible and allow yourself to experience the feelings associated with that.#4: Get excited about what you're doing. Remind yourself why you want to make a change, what it will look like and feel like when you do, and why you're worth it. See the challenges as inspiring and exciting instead of overwhelming. Again, when you change your thoughts, you change your feelings, you change your actions, you change the results.#5: Start small. Don't give your brain an opportunity to freak out because it thinks you're doing too much all at once, setting yourself up for failure or embarrassment, or that you're expending too much energy. Start with something that feels 100% doable and build from there.#6: Get support and or accountability. Get yourself someone to be your hype squad and or to hold you accountable. Sometimes not feeling alone and having someone to talk things through with can make a big difference. And as I mentioned, if you're interested in learning more about how coaching can support you, go to www.karenvincentsolutions.com/coaching. All of these steps are also in the show notes, so you can always go there and check them out. So now that you have these tools, you'll be able to recognize when your emotional brain is pulling you back to what's familiar, and you will also be able to thank it for doing its job, pull in the logical side of your brain and keep going so that you continue to grow and evolve in your life. Thanks so much for listening to this episode, and I hope that you found the information valuable. And one more thing. If you like reading as well as listening to podcasts, you should also check out my blog. You can find it at www.karenvincentsolutions.com/blog. That's a wrap. You should be proud of yourself for investing time in you, which is so critical for success and for overall life fulfillment. I look forward to having you join me for my next episode. And in the meantime, go click that subscribe button so you'll know when it's released, and you can also follow me on Instagram at Best Boss Lady Life that's at Best Boss Lady Life on Instagram. Also, remember that whatever it is that you're working on, you've got this and I'm here cheering you on.