28: Feel the Feels

Welcome to the Women's Success Coach Podcast. A podcast created to inspire growth and to help you learn, achieve, and evolve in your life ongoing, regardless of your age. I'm your host, Certified Coach and Licensed Therapist, Karen Vincent, and I'm here to guide you, challenge you, and cheer you on so that you can create the life of your dreams and beyond. First off, let me just say that I'm so glad you're tuning into the Women's Success Coach podcast. It really means a lot to me. In today's Shorty episode, I'm talking about feelings. Did you know that one of the biggest drivers of behavior, if not the biggest driver of behavior is feelings. Think about it, if you're in danger of physical harm, eliminating the risk of harm becomes your number one priority, right? However, most of us are not at risk of physical harm often or even ever, so, if this is the case, then what is it that we want to eliminate or avoid? For most of us, we want to move away from negative feelings because they're uncomfortable, also known as harmful, and we want to move towards positive feelings. Makes total sense, doesn't it? Given the choice, why would anyone want to sit with uncomfortable feelings? The reality is, however, that uncomfortable feelings are part of life. And when we can learn to tolerate them instead of resist them, they lose their power and they lose power because when you lean into them, instead of trying to run away from them, and you actually experience them, you realize that you can also survive them. Once you allow yourself to experience them, then you can change them. And the reason you can change them is because your feelings are caused by your thoughts. Now stick with me on this one. I won't steer you wrong. Even though this is a short episode, I'm going to break this all down for you. And as always, I'm going to give you an action plan you can use to put all this information into practice in your daily life. So let's dive into feelings, my friend. Hey there. I hope you're well and feeling good. But if you're not feeling good, know that uncomfortable and challenging feelings are part of life for all of us, and that sometimes it's okay to not be okay. As you heard in the introduction, this episode is about learning to feel your feelings, and then deciding if you want to change them by changing your thoughts. The reality is that we all experience feelings differently because feelings are vibrations in our bodies. If you think of some of the more challenging feelings like embarrassment, grief, jealousy, shame, guilt, fear, anxiety, loneliness, sadness, and anger, you experience them in your body. Maybe you feel them in your chest, your stomach, your throat. Or maybe you feel them in your muscles. Or maybe you feel them in a combination of some or even all of these places. And if you're like so many people, you may do what you can to try to avoid them, which makes perfect sense, right? Why would you choose to experience this kind of discomfort if you can avoid it? But what I'm going to suggest to you today is that instead of working to avoid the discomfort, choose to lean into it and experience it. Now, I'm not saying that you should experience it and hang out in that experience for a long time, but what I am saying is that when you allow yourself to experience discomfort, get curious about it, and label it, you become stronger, and the emotions you are feeling, become weaker. When you allow yourself to experience challenging emotions, it doesn't mean that you act out or react to them. Instead, it means that you ask yourself, how does this feel in my body? Where am I feeling this emotion exactly? What words would I use to describe this feeling to someone else? What label will I give this emotion Instead of rushing to try to change a feeling because it's uncomfortable, get curious about it. Doing this will pull in more of the logical side of your brain because you're asking yourself questions that require logical answers. And as a result, you'll feel more in control of the physical sensations you're experiencing in your body. This is a very different experience than avoiding or resisting emotions, which can actually give them more power and cause you to feel more out of control. I've worked with clients who experience anxiety about speaking up in meetings, and the longer they avoid doing so, the more powerful their fear becomes. I also work with a lot of clients with social anxiety who really work hard to avoid certain social situations because they anticipate they'll say something embarrassing or that everyone will know that they're anxious. And every time they avoid a situation, they reinforce their faulty belief that it's too scary and that they should avoid it at all costs, which actually dials up the anxiety. Many of my clients also experienced this related to grief, which can be a very challenging feeling or emotion to experience. Following a significant loss, they want to avoid things that may trigger memories of the individual they lost because they're afraid of feeling the sadness or loneliness that comes with grief. And in doing this, instead of working through their grief, they resist it and give it more power, causing them to fear it even more. When you allow yourself to feel all the feels, you own them instead of them owning you. You can describe them and experience them as sensations in your body, and then the next time you experience them, you'll already know that you'll be okay, instead of fearing that you won't be able to handle them. Remember, you have already survived many challenging emotions up until this point. Now as I mentioned, I don't want you to sit in that discomfort ongoing,I want you to allow yourself to experience it, label it, describe it, and then examine what you're thinking that's causing the feeling. Other people or situations happening around you don't cause you to experience negative emotions. It's always what you're thinking about other people, or what's happening around you, that creates your emotions. And this is one of the most empowering things to understand, because if after examination, you decide you want to change how you're feeling, it's 100 percent on you to change it. You don't need to try to get other people to change. You don't need to try to change a situation or other circumstances. You only need to change what you're thinking, which gives you all the power over your emotions and feelings. Let me give you an example. Let's go back to the example of grief and let's say you lost someone you really love and next week is their birthday. And not only is it their birthday, it's also the first birthday since they passed away. And because of this, you have been experiencing dread and sadness thinking about how you're going to manage their birthday without them here. Now instead of trying to distract yourself from focusing on the fact that it's their birthday or trying to resist your feelings, you can choose to lean into them. And to do this, you identify what you're experiencing in your body, where you're experiencing the vibrations in your body, what words you would use to describe what you're experiencing, and what word you would use to describe the feeling overall. This creates a very different experience than trying to resist and avoid the feeling or feelings. Then, once you go through this process of leaning in and being curious, you can ask yourself what you were thinking that's causing you to feel the sensations that you're feeling. Maybe you're thinking that you don't know how you'll get through the day. Maybe you're thinking that you don't know if you can handle feeling sadness over and over. Maybe you're thinking about all the ways your life is not as good since this person has been gone. Those are all valid thoughts, and common thoughts for anyone dealing with the loss of a loved one. Once you've identified what you're thinking, you can decide if there's a different way you can think about your loved one's upcoming birthday. Maybe you decide that you're going to use it as an opportunity to reconnect with them in your own special way. So instead of fearing and dreading the day, you have a thought like, I'm looking forward to having this special day to reconnect with" then fill in the blank, fill in the name of the person And as a result of that thought, instead of hoping that the day never comes and feeling negative emotions, maybe you decide that you'll go to their favorite restaurant or cook their favorite meal or dessert as a way of celebrating them. Maybe you decide you'll plant a shrub or a tree so that you can watch it grow year after year and know that they're always there in some way. Maybe you decide you'll go through photos and feel grateful for the memories you have and you get to keep forever and ever. The options are endless, but they come about because of what you choose to think about the upcoming birthday after allowing yourself to experience the feeling. When you try to resist and ignore emotions, you rob yourself of the full opportunity to understand them, which prohibits you from feeling like you can control them. I hope this information makes sense to you, and as I do in all my episodes, I want you to put this information into practice in your own life. So let's take some action. The next time you notice yourself trying to avoid experiencing a negative feeling or emotion, ask yourself the following questions. First, what am I experiencing in my body right now? Next, what words can I use to describe what I'm experiencing if I were to describe it to somebody else? And finally, what one word can I use to describe the feeling? Once you're clear about this, ask yourself... What am I thinking? That's causing me to have this feeling? And then finally ask yourself, how else can I think about this that would result in me experiencing better feelings? There you have it. This process is written down in the show notes, so you can go there and reference it anytime you need it. The reality for all of us, is that we will experience challenging emotions throughout our lives. So the next time you do, I encourage you to feel the feels and go through this process so that you can feel more in control of your feelings and your ability to change them. That's a wrap. You should be proud of yourself for investing time in you, which is so critical for success and for overall life fulfillment. I look forward to having you join me for my next episode. And in the meantime, go click that subscribe button so you know when it's released. And you can also follow me on Instagram@KarenVincentSolutions, That's@KarenVincentSolutions on Instagram. Also remember that whatever it is that you're working on, you've got this. And I'm here cheering you on.